Hi There, Pork Chop!

Sometimes Mrs. Rich Bitch likes to slum it, baby. That’s when she loosens her tasteful beige cashmere cowl neck sweater, slides over to her freezer, and roots around with a well-manicured hand to find the bone-in pork chops she bought on special at the Kroger last summer, rather than Whole Paycheck.

(Ha, Ha: I said “bone-in.”)


Because You're Sad: Pork Chops.

Pork Chops don’t need to scream poverty; at least, not when you’ve got a brick of butter on stand-by. Finely chop a shallot or two, pour a glass of wine, and get ready to rock your lonely world, Mrs. RB.


2 thick bonin’ pork chops
(Ha, Ha: I said “thick”, “bonin'”, AND “pork”.)
1/2 yellow onion finely chopped, or poorly chopped if you prefer
olive oil
chicken broth
lemon juice
lemon pepper
black pepper
if you give a damn:
an egg
breadcrumbs, mixed with finely shredded romano cheese & chopped mint

What To Do With It All

1.) First, get a grip. You’re lonely, but you can pork yourself.

2.) Second, drizzle the raw chops (I said “raw”) with oil (I said “oil”) and sprinkle on both sides with the lemon pepper, salt and black pepper. Let it sit. Drink to your loneliness.

3.) Get a cast-iron skillet going — you know, the kind you bought when you wanted to make yourself more authentic as a Southerner. Medium heat is good enough for you.

4.) Throw in some butter. Don’t bother measuring it. Such perfectionism is what made you so morbidly unhappy in the first place. Toss in the onions. Cook them until they’re done.

5.) Scoop out the onions with a slotted spoon. (Ha, ha: I said “slotted.”) Set aside. Add more butter to the skillet. Sear each chop on each side, three minutes. Don’t push it about; you’ll fuck up the fond, which is the black, unpretty grisly stuff which makes your chop sealed and juicy (I said both “black” and “juicy”) and of course creates a nice base for the sauce you’ll make.

6.) Heat your oven to 375 degrees. Get out a baking sheet, and set a cookie cooling rack inside it. You want this rack (I said “rack”) because this will keep the chop from sitting directly on the hot pan, ripping off the coating, dig?

7.) When the chops have been seared on both sides, dredge them in the egg wash, and then dip your eggy chop into the breadcrumb mixture. Set the breaded chops on the rack (“RACK!”) and bake for about 24 minutes.

While Your Chops Bake

— Put more butter in the pan, and throw in those onions you set aside.
— Pour in a little chicken broth and cream (I won’t even go there) to your taste.
— Finish with a spritz of lemon juice.

Again, no perfectionism allowed, you lonely Rich Bitch.

When the chops are cooked, dredge in the pan sauce and serve alongside very creamy mashed potatoes with sour cream and dill, along with some sweet petite peas cooked in butter and shallots. Go to town. Because maybe, you’ll find some friends there.


4 Responses to Hi There, Pork Chop!

  1. Tooth says:

    I’m loving the Mrs. Rich Bitch entries. Hilarity! Keep up the good work!

  2. Katja says:

    Thanks Tooth! Some folks are already clamoring for Mrs. Rich Bitch’s cooking show. Just what will she look like? And what color is her kitchen? I’m dying to find out…

  3. dwaynequahhe says:

    Thank you for this awesome post, this is exactly what I needed today!

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